My mind wanders a lot these days.
I have just left a job I thought I would be happy in but here I am, having given up after 9 months. I have left that full-time work to go back to tutoring – I have been doing this for almost 4 years and I am truly satisfied in it. I’m not sure when I will start looking for more work, or if I ever even want to go back into full-time, office life. All I really want to do it write my books, stare at the stars, bathe in the sunshine and learn life’s intricacies.
I’m 21. I thought I’d have it more figured out by now. Everyone always said to me that you start to really find yourself in your twenties. I thought it was bullshit. But you really do wake up one day, filled with existentialist dread and just say to yourself fuck, is this really what I want my life to be like? Do I want to spend ten hours a day in a chair doing spreadsheets because that’s what society dictates is a ‘good’ way to make money? Where are my friends? Where is the love and light in my life?
This is the first time in my life I’m not going according to the plan. You know The Plan, the one we all have in our minds since we were children. Mine went something like this: graduate high school with good marks, get into uni, graduate, find a job, get married, have kids, publish a book and make that my living. Although bits and pieces of that plan have happened or are in the works, I can’t shake the feeling that I have failed. I did everything up until ‘find a job’, then when that hasn’t worked out, I don’t really know what to do.
I don’t really know the purpose of this post. I just wanted to put it out there that it’s okay not to feel okay. It’s okay not to have it figured out. My life update is that there is no real ‘update’, life just grows and changes and shrinks and kicks you up the ass sometimes but that’s what makes it worth living. My update is that I will be here, tapping words out and editing pictures for this blog throughout every feeling and emotion. My update is that despite anything, this is where I will be. Three times a week. For you.
This is a lot more personal and raw than I tend to get on here – let me know if you’d like more of stuff like this. Love to you all ❤